Just Rambling

I spent the majority of last year mourning the death of my marriage but came to an interesting place a few months ago. For some reason something clicked in my noggin and I thought “hang on, you’re young free and single, you don’t have that emotionally retarded, stupendously lazy, energy sucking black whole of a woman draining you any more. You’re free” and just like that I started truly getting over her. All of a sudden, in the blink of an eye I was truly free.

That lasted for a while but now its kinda morphed into something else. Now I’m starting to question wether or not I’m be-with-able at all. Now I’m starting to look at myself and say, maybe she had a point, maybe I am a waste of space. Maybe I am utterly wrong about life and shouldn’t enforce myself on anyone ever again.

This is not a sympahy call by the way, just observation. I’m feeling my way through this stuff and no-one can fix any of it but me, only I can make myself feel worthwhile again, no amount of kind words or thoughts will help so please, if you want to comment at all, just doth your cap and say “got your back brother”.

Anyway… moving swiftly on… After she went against almost everything I ever thought or believed, every idea I had would have a down-side, every burst of enthusiasm combated with cynicism, it made me feel pretty damn wrong as a human. This time being young free and single has started to cement the idea that I just don’t want anyone making me feel that utterly useless ever again. So the walls go up.

I’ve always been the type that faced his demons, no matter how painful its been, but I find myself unable to face this one. Maybe its because I used to have this idea that if I faced enough demons then things would get better, life would even out, that I would reach a battle free platuae for a while and be happy. I thought she was the love of my life. I thought I was safe. Silly bugger!

And so this idea of facing the demons becomes redundant, what’s the point if it does nothing but lead to more demons. There’s only one thing that’s certain, that I exist.

I can’t rely on the only thing I ever really utterly believed in, the believe that I’d meet the right girl and be happy any more, so every possibility becomes an end before its begun and in my mind I can feel myself I running for the hills rather than wanting to start anything.

I think I’m going to be the male version of the crazy cat lady.

Will I break this wall? Is it just part of the recovery process? Will I have faith in love again? Is that the way it works or do the walls just get thicker and thicker?

Maybe the answer is that I don’t want them to get thicker so they won’t, but there’s no garauntees are there. I could take another hit. There’s no way of knowing which way this freaky ride is going to turn. I thought I’d done everything right, I thought I’d ticked all the boxes, been supportive, caring, loving, worked hard, gave her a compliment at least once a day, treated her like gold and I ended up in hospital, writhing in agony, blood blisters forming in my eyes and doctors trying desperately to prevent something that I deeply wanted… death, while she ran off with a smile on her face and a skip in her step.

There’s no guarantees.

I am free now, that much I have been enjoying, but what happens now? Where do I go from here? That’s the question I ask myself. Am I worth someone else’s time and effort? IS anyone worth mine? Its hard to see it.

Even with it all though, I’m thoroughly enjoying this ride. Even the desperate pits are worth it. I’ve learnt more about the nature of my life in the last year than I have my entire life. It was hell, but the good thing about hell is it burns away all the crap. Sure there are a few traumatic residues but ultimately I’m better off because of it all.

I’m looking forward to seeing what happens with this wall thingy.

Again, this isn’t about sympathy, this is about maybe some of you reading this and recognising some aspects of it. Its about not feeling alone. Its about those cold hard people realising that being that way has its consequences, and about letting the sensitive ones know that they aren’t wrong for breaking up against those hard rocks and losing their minds for a while.

The cold and the warm, we’re in it together whether we like it or not.

What stupendous changes. I used to think that once I met the love of my life that I would be safe, that we’d look after each other, back each other up and that a level of fear that had always travelled with me would be replaced by solid ground. How wrong I was.

I learnt that my values, such as working together, supporting each other, being sympathetic, empathetic, caring and other such niavetes were pipe dreams, easily shot down and destroyed by her simply being lazy. She just couldn’t be bothered to make any effort and the love died. I nearly did too.

This leaves me in an interesting possition though, the experience has opened up an entirely new vista, a landscape that I never considered possible. One where blind faith is useless but my choices are the important contributor. For example, if I’d followed my gut early on we would never have been married because I suspected her to be cruel and selfish. She begged for me to remember the love, I did and went back to her.

If that happens now I’ll be out of there like a shot. The whole experience has given me the vision to realise that I have the ability to stear my life rather than have it be utterly out of my hands. Its a brand new world.

Still, it does make it incredibly difficult to believe that love will come again.

Part of the ride I guess. Every days a scool day!

I was going to vent about the hopelessness I feel today, but decided against it.

I went through a period of thinking up complaints, writing letters and sending them. This is a geniune letter to the Italian ambassador in London.

Ambassador Giancarlo Aragona
Italian Embassy14 Three Kings Yard
London
W1Y 2EH

Dear Mr Ambassador

In the interests of Celtic-Italian relations I find myself in dire need of expressing some concerns to you and your country-men/women with regards to their conduct in my beloved land. As a native to the town of Edinburgh, I am well versed in the ways of the Italian traveller. Their tendencies are very much akin to any traveller in a new land. They wonder, awe struck at the beauty of my fare city, marvelling at the majesty of our castle, sighing in wonder at the ornate capital city architecture and generally get in everyone’s way.

I’m not sure if you are aware of this or not (I’m sure you are aware as a man of your position doesn’t get to where he is by showing ignorance, unless your name is George Bush of course), but we in Britain are quite fond of the phenomenon known as “the queue”.

When we want to buy a sandwich, enter a place of interest, wait for a bus, intend on purchasing a beer at a bar, go to the cinema, go to some sort of entertainment spectacle (such as the theatre or a concert) in fact anything that involves standing around for a while, what we do is this. We visually ascertain who was standing around before we got there, and then stand behind them. It sounds crazy I know, but its just part of our culture and charm.

My suggestion is that you introduce some sort of scheme whereby your visitors to our land learn the artistry of the queue. They could also learn a little about not standing around and using up all the space on a busy pavement, forcing the natives to labour around them (sometimes walking into the path of on coming traffic) and sell your people on the idea that manners cost nothing, but rudeness will get you a broken nose, which is true In Scotland more than any other place.

If you could see fit to supply some sort of leaflet that would inform Italian travellers of such necessary courtesies, then I will vow to do everything I can to ensure that we, as a nation, will try harder to at least attempt looking at an Italian phrase book before we visit your fabulous country, and that we will completely forget our British etiquette regarding queues and taking up space in public streets.

I thank you for your time and I look forward to your response.

Yours thankfully

Rufus Offor

P.S. I will also endeavour to stop stupid British people from asking for chips in your restaurants, and tell them to order what’s there, not what they fancy.

P.P.S. I will also try and get Brits to stop complaining about food everywhere they go, which, I hope you’ll agree, will be of benefit to the entire planet. All we need to do after that is to stop the Australians from complaining about the weather in cold countries and the world will be one step closer to perfect harmony.

P.P.P.S. If you get a minute, could you talk to Mr Silvio Berlusconi (your illustrious prime minister) and get him to remove the MacDonald’s from opposite the Pantheon in Rome. It really pissed me off!